Drunk In The Dorm

If you attended college you will no doubt appreciate this collection of stories.

At college you will meet some interesting people, quite a few if you live in a dormitory like I did for two years. Around all of the beer and pot you can witness or experience some interesting things. And this Note is about a couple I saw.

When I was a sophomore my high school friends Mike and Donald were my suite mates on the fourth floor of Kerr Hall. Most of the guys there were your average Joes but one dude from Virginia stood out from the crowd. Why? Because he talked about how to torture people and how much he hated his Dad and what he would do to ruin him.

Some examples you ask? One night when we were eating dinner in the cafeteria he spoke about slitting the eyeballs of immobilized people and then dripping alcohol on them. And there were others too, and they did much to curb some people’s appetites. His boundless hatred for his Dad caused him to contemplate waging biological warfare on him by culturing wheat rust and spraying it on his father’s wheat fields with a crop duster. Not a happy camper, eh?

Contrasted with this dark streak was his love for his girlfriend Michelle who was back in Virginia but mailed him cookies and letters which he would show us. The yin and yang of his persona really made us wonder what was going on in head. But one night we got a pretty good answer when he learned his beloved Michelle was regularly screwing her boss back home.

One Saturday night, the day he learned this, we were all actually in the dorm for the weekend. The beer was flowing and we tried to treat our despondent friend’s sadness by adding Everclear to his beer. He lay on his bed with his dorm room door open staring at the ceiling in what seemed to be drunken silence. Then in an instant the calm stopped and the storm raged. His room was across form mine and he leapt up screaming like a crazed banshee and slammed his door so hard some of the molding on the outside came flying off onto the beer and puke, and God only knows what else, stained carpet of the hall.

Knowing his penchant for talking about torture we all thought he would next act out his fantasies on us in some horrible way. So everyone else’s dorm room doors quickly shut and were locked. You could hear the sounds of that spreading down the two halls away from his room – a frightened rhythm of the door slamming and the lock clicking.

And then there was silence even as we called each other on our dorm phones to describe what we had just seen. And then later we came out and his door was still shut. But then he out and everyone fled but he calmly and silently went down the stairs and through the hall window we saw him go across Eagle Drive to Taco Inn and return with some food. The doors shut and locked again upon his arrival.

After that he became pretty quiet and he withdrew from the university and returned to Virginia never to be seen or heard from again. But in his absence we still recalled this story and his torture techniques to sometimes unbelieving audiences. But we knew what we had seen and heard.

And then there was the new guy from New Jersey. This student was a very good guy but we decided to “initiate” him into a little group by pulling a prank that backfired on us without a doubt.

What we did was put on suits and sunglasses and pretended to be Federal drug agents. Mike and Donald and I were the agents of course and we got the others near his dorm room involved like his two suitemates Rick and CJ. As an aside Rick had a pet white lab rat who he kept in his dorm room which calmly rode on his shoulder while he strolled around the dorm’s halls. The guy from New Jersey did not know me and my two friends so we knocked on his dorm room door and Mike pulled out a document that he described as a search warrant but was actually the court subpoena from the horrific Halloween incident performed against Mrs. Evanston, and I told him he was under arrest for drug trafficking. We hauled him and his suitemate co-conspirators down to the first floor and frisked them in front of the many assembled students who looked on in surprise and shock. One dude said we couldn’t do that, I replied he would be next if he didn’t shut up but what happened later proved that the experience from high school speech and drama had been effective.

When we got outside the guy from New Jersey lost it screaming he was innocent and didn’t do drugs at all. “I didn’t do it man, I didn’t it man” he repeated in stark terror and then passed out on the grass near the parking lot where we had one of our cars waiting – not to take him to some further place and a new act of mayhem but to tell him it was a joke, welcome him, and buy him a case of beer thus making him officially one of the trusted members of the “Kerr Fourth Floor Lounge” (KFFL) as we called ourselves. We wanted to use “First United Church Of Keg” in dorm intramural play but the acronym that moniker formed was of course not allowed so KFFL was born.

At that point we all thought “oh shit he’s dead and we were headed to jail and our parents would get sued too”. But he awoke and we hauled him to the student health center where we learned he had his gall bladder removed a week before. Sheesh, the poor guy had been under great bodily stress and we were SO convincing we tipped him over so to speak.

But in the end we told him what we had been going to do and he forgave us and we really were all friends after that. But he got us back by constantly joking about his sister marrying into a Mafia family and what they would do to us in return for our crimes against him that day. So when you pull a prank don’t forget that one bad turn might begat another…..


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