The Church of the Divine Fermentation

Have you ever started your own religion? I have….this will be in “Notes About Growing Up”.

We drank a lot cold beer in high school, just about every Friday and Saturday night we got wasted, and enjoyed it greatly. But I took this regular practice one step further and created a religion out of it: the Church of The Divine Fermentation to be exact. While I was hardly the biggest drunk in high school amongst its pantheon of imbibers I started The Church, created its theology, and proclaimed myself Pope.

Our family was not Catholic but The Church was modeled after the Catholic variety. I appointed Cardinals, Bishops, Priests, and Nuns. Our god was Lord Keg and our Holy Days were the keg parties held out in some pasture miles out of town at which I preached the Gospel of Guzzling to those thirsting for its Grace. I even started writing a Bible for The Church but only wrote one book which I called “Fermentisis”. Keg drank too much, puked, and the universe was born. The Adversary tried to keep you sober and his Demons (law enforcement) tried to possess you (arrest you) and take you to Hell (jail). If so taken your family attorney would have to enter Hades and perform the Rite Of Exorcism (post bond for your release). Lord Keg would smite the evil of this earth with a large beer can sent from the inebriated realms to land on the sinner who had angered him by not being as righteous as He Willed. Plus our Sacrament was of course beer and potato chips taken on the Sabbath (any day you drank beer). And so on as you might guess ad infinitum.

And yet there were degrees of righteousness among the faithful: conservatives, moderates, and liberals (the most inebriated amongst us). I considered myself a moderate and also reached out to rival faiths by ordaining some as Brothers of the Visitationist Order of the Holy Smoke as well. The sinners were few and the faithful were many it seemed but in the end you graduated, went to college, and grew up some The Church was still active in college I must say when I re-assumed the Papacy after I excommunicated a Heretic who was not as Holy as I had wished after his Election as Holy Father. But over time the fires of the old time religion lost their heat and I settled down and did not partake like I did when I was 18.

In the present age of “drinking responsibly” and the legacy of Mothers Against Drunk Driving – demons all they were in the eyes of the faithful back in the Evangelical Age of the Church – I do not drink like I used to – which is a good thing being a diabetic – but I still pop a top and guzzle a few but not to excess when I am out either. Also as many have done I have foregone “swill beer” (except for Pabst Blue Ribbon and an occasional Mickey’s) and instead drink imports and the ever growing suite of drafts from the local microbreweries. Rabbit Hole in Justin, Texas, not so far from the Ranch Estates house, is as good as any around. I did a book signing at Rabbit Hole too – they are great folks to deal with and their beer is darn good too. And I partake of others too as you might guess but there are so many beers now you could never drink them all. Unless of course you were a Saint in Keg’s squinted, drunken eyes of course.

Even with these many fermented blessing some of the new beers are quite bad and downright undrinkable too, I even poured a few out! Keg Forbid! And when I do that I still look skyward to see if Lord Keg is about to send one of His Cans of Anger And Retribution crashing down upon my head for not finishing the six-pack I started. It is the unforgivable sin you know.


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