This is one of the more personally emotional Notes from “Notes To Stephanie; Middle Aged Love Letters And Life Stories”. In short one sees the power of a vivid dream about a loved one.
Well, you had some vivid dreams you have told me about. And last night I had one. In it, something had happened to you, you were dead and gone. I felt lost and of course very upset and sad. My mom and sister were in the dream, trying to comfort me.
But that did not help, all I wanted was to get you back. In the dream I went outside. In my hand I was holding what appeared to be a small cereal box. On its back was a photograph of you. Your hair was a bit different, shorter and a bit curly, but it was you with your big pretty eyes, maybe looking a bit younger like you do in some of the pictures in the box out in the garage. I kept looking at it knowing you were not there.
Then somewhere away from my mom and sister I looked up to the sky streaked with cirrus clouds and kept crying out in tears “Stephanie, Stephanie, Stephanie”. “Please talk to me Stephanie”. “Why are you gone?” Of course you never answered back from The Great Beyond. I cried out to no avail, death being final and without a return. I just kept looking at the picture of you on the box, feeling my world was gone.
Truly, emptiness filled my mind and heart in that alternate, conjectural world, one unfamiliar but yet still recognizable even though totally unreal. Thankfully I woke up, this was about 1:30 AM, and went into the kitchen and got a drink of juice and shed a couple of little tears.
The dream really shook me up my dear; it was hard to get that picture of you from the dream out of my mind. But I went back to sleep and awoke with the alarm of course to find you still by my side safe and sound as you had been all night in our cozy bed that is usually used for sleeping curled up with each other and making passionate love.
Now what does this dark visage from Dreamland mean? Who knows, maybe my subconscious mind was reacting to the combination of the latest turmoil with my kids and to us loving each other more than we ever did after our recent trip down south. Things being good with each other, does my inner self fear that I might lose you? You even asked recently if I ever got a feeling something bad was about to happen. Regardless of what mental currents made this flow forth from the sea of my deepest ego or id, it makes me realize even more that we should always enjoy each other and find great joy in the little things we see about each other. Every day we are together should be a celebration of what we have with each other my love of all loves. Even amongst the sharp thorns that that the darker rose bushes of life may shoot up into the quiet garden we tend together in marriage. Indeed, we have finally gotten it right haven’t we? We should treasure this fact without hesitation, and enjoy the coming years we will have with one another.
Jeff To Stephanie May 25, 2007