Here is another “adult child angst” note from “Notes To Stephanie: Middle Aged Love Letters And Life Stories”. It shows the pain these transitions can cause the parents. Certainly this period of time was very hard on us.
Your heart has been torn out. Yes dearest it has been ripped out by the seemingly never ending transition with your kids, and also by my two yesterday. Regardless, these turn of events, well most of them anyway, would have happened whether or not we had ever met and married you know. If you had been by yourself, or had met someone else, the current state of affairs with your kids and their non-communication would have come to past. It was inevitable given their behavior and the necessity of protecting yourself from their seemingly usurious, parasitical ways. In order for you to have a life of your own you had to make your kids realize they had to take responsibility for their own lives and not expect you to facilitate whatever lifestyle they wished to pursue. This process is something that all parents must face in some measure as their hatchlings leave the nest to fly out on their own. Regardless of whether or not the mother bird pushed them out or they flew off by themselves.
Much of the hurt you feel is of course from the fact that your kids are your only real blood-kin on this earth. Now that we are married you have family by the event of taking our wedding vows. But your kids are still your only true blood relatives. That makes the ties to them more strong and intense than those in most people’s lives, including my own. That intensity has created much of the on-going hurt you have felt and still feel in your big, wonderful heart. This is normal and is very understandable. The time it will take to resolve this pain could be lengthy. That too is normal and something easy for me to comprehend.
Even with the emotional pain you feel stabbing at your being now, you know you have someone who loves you in your life, me of course. This is part of you being able to have your own life independent of how your kids apparently expected you to live alone and yet be at their beck and call for some indeterminate time. There is nothing wrong at all with you having your own life and existence. That too is normal. The angst your kids and mine feel toward our marriage is not something that should have bearing on our relationship per se. Yes, we should be there for our kids, but not at the cost of an emotional bar tab that never gets closed out.
Or at the cost of financial ruin either. You were being pushed into a corner where both of those costs were looming over you. You had to act and you did.
Now finally, you too can live a life that is full in a normal, fun, and healthy marriage with someone who loves you and gives you love back in the abundant manner you yourself always freely gave to others, especially to your kids.
Jeff To Stephanie March 12, 2007