Kids becoming adults can be a very trying time for their parents. We had such times too. This is from ‘Notes To Stephanie: Middle Aged Love Letters And Life stories”.
Family is hard to deal with dearest. The ties that bind are also the ties that can cause the most hurt due to their closeness and intensity. A stranger does not afford such links, thus the hurt from a stranger is less.
With your kids and communicating with them, perhaps some distance from them is the best course right now. Let them cool off and adjust to not being able to hit the speed dial to mom’s emotions and pocket book, especially since they do not respond to your attempts to have a normal relationship with them.
This is hard on you and I understand why. But you also cannot always stay tied up in knots emotionally about what they do or don’t do. Simply because they will choose what they will do vis a vis you and I on their own. They obviously hold resentment towards you on more than one level, but there is nothing you can do about that either. You provided a lot for them and were there for them as a mother. As adults they at some point have to move on from their grievances towards you and live and let live. No parent is ever perfect and the kids sure aren’t. The passage of time, garnering some real world experience, and some mature reflection on their parts will be necessary for this to happen.
As far as some of their bad behaviors, like your daughter’s lack of honesty, you can’t make her be like you. She is grown up and in her own world now, and has been for some time now. Some people will always deceive, while others can change when the consequences of such a path affects them. Where she is on this continuum is unknown.
“Son” is acting mad of course, but part of his path is simply him asserting his manhood, telling you he does not need you, even though he wishes perhaps for the old parasitic way of doing things. It is true you may never be close to him in the future but I do not think he forever will have no contact with you. In the end you cannot control their behavior, therefore you should not waste your mental energy and emotions trying to figure out why they don’t act like you or I do.
And you have to let yourself live too darling. You and I have a pretty happy life together. Regardless of what everyone else does, we have to have our life too. You can’t hold the past against yourself, nor can you change your kids to be in your own image as you might wish. You do have the power, and every right, to be happy and content with yourself and me. So I would say make the statements to your kids about contact and the like as we discussed earlier and see what happens. And until you see what transpires, you and I will live “happily ever after” with each other and do our own thing, just like everyone else is doing it seems.
Jeff To Stephanie March 2, 2007